Choose your drink!!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol Types

Men

1. Castle - unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate , who drinks alcohol purely because they do not have DSTV or girlfriend. This type thinks NuMetro is a kind of posh train service and that News Café is a bookshop. If you are a boss and you are looking for a loyal employee, look no further than a Castle drinker. Loyalty is the buzz word and very patriotic due to an influence by the Castle Lager ads.


2. Hansa - this group is made up mostly of guys who used to be on the cutting edge 10 years ago in the 90's - but nobody has told them that having a studded fake diamond earring in one ear and gold-capped teeth ceased being socially-acceptable in 1994. Because 90% of them have a cheesekop, they think anyone with any hair "i-bhari". They have passed their sell by dates.
They wear all these fake brand names- Lacoste, Boss, etc bought on the
street and claim it's genuine.

3. Carling Black Label - stay away from this lot. If they have never been
to jail it's because our Safety and Security Ministry is so inefficient or they are out on bail. Thugs, gangsters, murderers, Pirates fans and wife-beaters, babizana ngo Bhakabhaka, you end up not knowing his real name.
Will never own a better car than a 1992 Mazda Sting with 17-inch rims, and a sound system more expensive than the car. They also drink Smirnoff- the
Vodka.

4. Amstel - wannabe intellectual types who are label-conscious. On a
Saturday afternoon the average Amstel drinker is typically dressed in a Bafana jersey, Fake Diesel jeans and red R1,200 Nike sneakers. Typically drive a Golf V and own a Nokia 9300 phone and live on a credit card.


5. Heineken - wannabe, pretentious types who fancy themselves to be unique
and on the cutting edge. Truth be told, they hate the taste of Heineken but will be damned if they will have their first love, Hansa. In 10 years, they will be just like today's Hansa drinkers i.e. the guys everybody laughs at because they suport Swallows.

6. Windhoek Lager - read the Heineken description but add, "don't have the money to buy Heineken" They probably think it's a European beer when in
actual fact its made in Namibia of all countries!!!

7. Miller - closet fags who only have Miller in public. Truth be told,
they are really Brutal Fruit/Bacardi Breezer/Smirnoff Spin drinkers in
private. Indulge in Smirnoff in private and call it "shooters"

8. Savannah - alcoholics who are acutely aware of that "6% v/v" on the
label, damn drunkards who get what the money is worth.

9. Castle Milk Stout - aggressive alcoholics who do not know what "6% v/v"
means. They support Amazulu FC and baqeda ibabaalaaz nge sorghum beer
ngakusasa. You can use the toilet after them, the smell is poisonous and
toxic and the kaka is dark brown muddy mess.

10. Castle Lite - serious alcoholics who have bought in into that "the one to have when you're having more than one". They are generally intelligent but argumentative types who secretly resent Milk Stout and Savannah drinkers because that is what they really want to drink. They tend to like quoting statistics, "you know that the calorie content in a regular beer is equivalent to 7 seven loaves of bread" they'll say as they down their 17 th
beer.

11. Hunter's Dry - reformed beer drinkers or rural types with big hands
(from ploughing).

12. Bacardi Breezer/Brutal Fruit/ Hooch/Smirnoff Spin - one of two
things, (a) f.ags or (b) newcomers to the drinking game. But a will be the correct choice

13. Wine - fags.

14. J&B/Dewars - poor. Cannot tell the difference between whisky and
brandy.

15. Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker Red and Black - like whisky but do not
know the difference between bourbon and a Scotch. Drink whisky because they just like the taste. Drink it because they just want to show off. Five years ago they drank 100 Reserve Oude Molen .

16. Jameson/Glenfiddick/Chivas/Dimple - serious whisky connoisseurs,
drive Beemers and Merc's 4X4's. Probably support Sundowns and talk BEE, think they will one day be like Patrice Matsepe

17. Smirnoff 1818 - check Carling Black Label description the add
"rapists" to it. They wear all stars, will go to any house with a tent call it "ithiphu"

18. Mellowood/ Richelieu/ Martell/ Klipdrift (and similar) - violent.
Call every spirit "brandy", even Johnnie Walker. If less than 40 in age, poor. Chances are they will own a Kaizer Chiefs/ Pirates makalabha and a vuvuzela to go with it... bathi yonke insipho iyawasha. Bavele bathi umuntu
o clean uyayitshela ufaka ama perfume, ogcoba ama dawn etc

19. KWV 10/Klipdrift Premium (and similar) - actually like brandy but can
never tell if its potstill or what.

20. KWV 5 - wannabe brandy connoisseur without the money, just want to be
seen.

Women

1. Any beer - s.lut.

2. Milk Stout - p.rostitute, marhosha oshibhile obiza from R20 but don't
go above R50.

3. Barcadi Breezer/Hooch - believe men owe them a living and do not
really know that Hooch's go for R16 a pop at News Café because they have never actually bought it for themselves. At their own places you will find Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin empties in their waste, they probably stole from a party elsewhere.

4. Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin - cheap bargain hunters you will generally
see in the front of the Edgars Red Hanger Sale, a man buy them a half pack and they take their clothes off. They can sleep anywhere and they don't have the word class in their vocabulary.

5. Wine by the glass - pretentious b-tches that think they have arrived
because they drive a Peugeot 206/Renault Clio. They live in snazzy townhouse they can't afford and are probably at the pub looking for a dumb arseh-le to subsidize their car instalments/ townhouse rent/overdraft repayments. Bayafa yindlala emaflethini abo, ubona ngenkunzi yeklabishi, nemayonnaise, namanzi afakwe kwi mineral water bottle and yet its tap water. Will tell you she is on diet and gulp all the food at a restaurant.

6. Wine by the bottle - (bottles of JC Le Roux, Cold Duck, Graca Rose or
similar excluded.) Classy. Powerful. Know what they want and generally have a Beemer parked outside. Money is not a problem, probably have a young man
(Toyboy) on the side just to keep her happy and do the work the serious boyfriend cant because he is probably busy with BEE deals.

7. Amarula Cream (and similar) - Hornay. Like all the time, empeleni nje
banempene.

8. Whisky (any whisky) - even hornier, bayazicelela ipipi, if you fail
ukumchamisa, will dump you.

9. Brandy (any brandy) - hornay civil servant types, basebenzela o department of Home Affairs/ Housing/ Social services/ works etc/ agriculture
etc.

10. Non drinkers - Bazenza amakholwa but in actual fact bazama ukuthola umendo. Probably they are pass the marriageable age and they look at the churches for guidance. Also probably HIV positive now living a longer clean life